Juxtapose

"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled." Heb 12:15
 

Life is a never ending up and down cycle, only with no schedule to the events, no warning about the next downslope or upswing. Sometimes an upswing lasts for days or months, sometimes there are both ups and downs over the course of the day. I hate the unexpectedness of my emotions. I wish I were more stoic.

Why God or anyone chose me to love, I will never know. I am full of all things unsavory, weeping bitterness while I thank the Lord for my blessings, the embers of my anger left smoldering quietly in the back of my heart as I go about my daily business. I choke off the weeds of bitterness, but only on the surface where they're visible. I leave the roots to rest in the cold, and when the warm opportunity of my temper coaxes them up, I turn a blind eye. This is who I am inside, world. Maybe someday I'll pull them up. I'm still not sure why this is so difficult for me.

Some people spend a lot of time asking, "Why me?" and I may ask that for them as well - some people I truly do wonder Why. But I never wonder it of myself. I know exactly why. I am so stubborn that without something goading me for years on end, I never change, never grow. I've been at this journey for fifteen years now and I'm still needing this baby steps business to help me get along. So that's why. No surprise there. Just surprised I'm still in this spot all these years later. Still mucking along. Still learning.