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Therefore...
08/19/04
Therefore...
...having a bit of time to waste this morning, reference Jen's post in this thread.
Jen is apparently having the same dilemma with her Pooh backpack that I am with my five-year-old baby-blue-face Walmart watch. It's one of those $6.99 watches that I bought when I needed one and, frankly, I'm really getting sick of it. Now it's so old that all the faux-silver plating on it has rubbed off and whatever is underneath (nickel? copper? an amalgam of toxic foreign-made WalMart metalproduct?) is starting to look like it covers more of the watch than the faux-silver. It cost me seven dollars (rounded up), but I don't have the heart to toss it in order to get a newer, better looking one when the one I already have works completely fine for its purpose. I mean, it's seven bucks. And the thing won't die. While we were down in AHHHHkansas back in June, someone suggested that I just wear my watch in the lake to speed things along. I guess that's basically cheating, but still, dire circumstances call for dire measures. I mean, this can't go on forever.
So I wore it in the lake. It still lives. Then in the pool there. And it thrives. Finally, I started wearing it in the shower. I try to play it up to myself, like, "Whoops! Forgot to take my watch off in the morning rush! Ooops! So unfortunate! Hope it doesn't DIE!!!" But I really should just knock off the pleasantries with myself, because it never does. It sits on my very wrist as I sit here even now. I will wear it on my left wrist until it dies and it's starting to feel as if I'm in some sort of horror movie.
Then, my mind turns to the possibilities - is this some sort of prank? What if the guilty party is continually replacing my dead watch every so often with another one while I sleep, and I've actually cycled through hundreds through these long, arduous years? I mean, they would have to contend with the task of weathering each replacement watch to a degree only minutely exceeding the previous in order to keep up the appearance of an aging watch. But I never was quite that sound of a sleeper, honestly.
Then I wonder if I simply imagine that this watch continues to tick and grind away when it doesn't. A current and underlying hypnotic state, perhaps, is the idea I'm thinking. I'm excited by this theory for a few reasons. Not only would it qualify me for being in the longest continuous hypnotic state in the Guinness Book of World Records (or, at least I think it would - I only have them current up until the year 2000), and not only have I always been quite fond of the Guinness Book of World Records, but I like the titillation of the thought of being in continual hypnosis for five years straight. And all due to a watch.
Anyways. I'm going to go take my shower now.
26 comments
That would certainly explain your "clucking like a chicken" post. Twilight Zone..... the never ending watch. The ticking and tocking will drive you insane untill you chew you arm off and toss it out the window with the watch on it. Only to reach into your pocket and find you have no more money for a new watch.
Or surgery for your arm but thats beside the fact. That's hilarious. May I make some suggestions on how to ride yourself of this nuisance? I take no responsibility for any bodily harm incurred by following any of the advice I provide.
- Visit a zoo. Feed the tigers some meat through the cage. You'll risk damage to your hand, of course, but at least the watch is gone, right?
- Even better, before you go, rub the watch in something meeting. Like, say, raw beef. Then all you'd have to do is stick your hand in the cage, and when the tiger eats your watch, you can appear all innocent. "Oh my gosh! I can't believe that tiger just ate my watch!"
- I don't remember the movie's name, but there was a guy in a dungeon with his hands bound. He rubbed the rope in some sort of mushy prison food, and the rats at through the rope. Perhaps if you smeared your watch with rat delicacies they would eat it off while you slept? This could be considerably safer than the tiger option.
- Loosen the band. When it falls off beneath something heavy (an oncoming train, for example) it'll appear to be a complete accident. Feign shock.
- Perform the Ritual of Watch Santification. This little known rite will rid of you of any spirits that may be causing the unnatural life of the watch. This must be done at midnight, during a full moon. It's not very complicated -- basically you open up the watch, salt the inside of it, dunk it in holy water (send me your DOB, SSN, and credit card information and I'll be glad to provide this for you), and replace the backing. This should rid the watch of any Evile Spirits therein.
Geez. I can't type today. Meeting = Meaty. Amongst other errors. Please overlook. :P
I. Need. More. Coffee. Blarg. You may wish to ask your mother about the 1978 Dodge aspen she once owned. She bought it because it was cheap and available, (she has been known to use the same explanation for her choice of husbands) and it was without doubt in the top 10 ugliest cars in the state. White with a yucky green interior and green vinal roof, all faded, oxidised and rusted. Sounded like a giant sewing machine when it was running. But it ran. And ran. And run. No oil changes for 5 years. No problem, kept running. It was dubbed "The car too ugly to die." It was running still when she finally gave it away to someone, just to get rid of it. You could always do what I accidentally did. Put it in your purse and wait for the face to shatter. It looks really cool! I think you should register your watch on the RI and have it start a
post about KJV vs. NIV, holidays, music, or women in the church.
The resulting flames will take care of your problem inside of eight
posts. In my opinion the hand-in-the-tiger-cage suggestion was safer. I think you should carefully conduct an experiment that tests the resistance of watches when exposed to enormous amounts of pressure. Place it on the railroad tracks and watch the sparks fly. :-) If it survives Jen or Tsj's recommendations, I highly suggest the "Watch Sanctification" rites. Just so you know. As a self proclaimed handyman I've learned there are three tools that will fix anything: duct tape, WD-40, and a BIG hammer. You need the BIG hammer (also doubles as a stress reliever). And, Barry, would that explain the length of life (knock on wood) of MY vehicles? they're just too ugly to die? btw...
Brian, the movie you watched was probably "The Pit and the Pendulem" by E.A. Poe. Didn't know it was a movie, but I read the story. Ah, you post once after a short hiatus and the world logs on to comment. If this isn't a small glimpse of fame and good fortune to make my day, I don't know what is.
I have to say that Nej, John, K8 (VK1, I mean), Benj, and Brian all have very good methods, but I have to say that likely the most dangerous (and therefore most effective) method by far would be an RI Flaming. In fact, I think my family was just talking about KJV vs. NIV yesterday and even without dispute amongst ourselves (we're generally a pretty like-minded bunch, except when we aren't), I psychosomatically sensed my eyebrows being singed, just by way of thinking of possible outcomes of such debates in "other places" not my own home. heh heh. Nothing like ye goode olde RI netziens for putting to use time-honed trolling techniques once and a while. Bless you, Chuck. :D
And, while I'm addressing the ever-venerable Brian D, I would like to also note that while I haven't seen the rats-eating-meaty-rope MOVIE, I have, indeed, read The Pit And The Pendulum (by the also-venerable E. A. Poe), and every time I do, I'm surprised by the man's ingenuity. I mean, rats? Eating spicy, meat-riddled rope? What kinda genius thinks that one up? And I'll tell you what - yours truly, being the klutz that I am, woulda tripped and sunk right into that thar pit long before the rats ever came for me.
Ah, The Sven. Always stealing my literary thunder, that man. You are truly a kindred soul, my friend. Cass, just drive your watch and it will be wrecked in a month. Or you could just go find a wonderful poverty-stricken
homeless child and GIVE your watch away, thereby
enabling you to feel benevolent (the child will have a
good solid timekeeper for the next decade) and also
justifying your next purchase. nifty, cass, one of the funniest posts I've read. In my humble experience, parental criticism can be fatal to a great many things. Just a little of that should be all it'd take to end the ticking. *snickers at mom of cass's comments*
teehee, you know cass, it's so fun to have your mom on your blog.
Anyways, I suggest the Brian cell phone maneuver... leave it on top of your car, (think up a good reason), and then drive off, return a few hours later for a hopeless search of the area. (Fortunately for you, you won't be able to call your watch, so anybody who found it wouldn't be able to tell you where to pick it up.) Though on second thought, this may not work. This watch sounds like it clings rather tenaciously to life... so it'll likely cling just as tenaciously to your car and never fall off.
It's more than likely that my car will fall apart before my watch does, in that case, Court. :) And by "fall apart," I mean, "of its own volition" and not due to my wrecking it (MUH-THUUUR!).
Thank you, NOC. I was thinking that to be the solution to my problem myself. Great minds do, indeed, think alike. 
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