Juxtapose

I've barely been awake all day. Little to no sleep last night, too many thoughts, too many exams, too much to do, and too much procrastination all were contributing factors. I floated home after class this morning to take a nap at 11AM, which was an all but futile endeavor. I ate my Cup-o-Noodles, tried to study some patho, and failed madly at that as well. I went to school to pick up my clinical assignment, thinking I had meds to give tomorrow, but no meds were there - only three vague diagnoses for two patients - confusion, CHF, and dizziness. I sighed a sigh, hunkered down in the library and tried to study some there, but instead spent most of my time trying not to listen to the men's volleyball team discuss their sexual adventures in great excruciating detail a computer over from me. Then, finally, came nine PM. I headed over to the dorm hall's lounge for the Bible study that a girl at Riv is trying to get started. Last meeting we only had one person come besides her church group kids and myself. This time we had three Freshman girls, all eager to talk and discuss and parse everything they are hearing in their religion classes that they are required to take at my school. In fact, the opening question was, "I'm really struggling to understand what the hell 'grace' is." They debated a bit with us, but mostly through the veil of "My professor says this, and I don't think it lines up, but what do YOU think?" We didn't answer every question to the fullest extent we could, but the whole gospel was there. The fall, the sin, the sacrifice, the grace(and, oh, do I love that subject), the redemption, and the promise; all was there in good working order, just as I remembered it to be myself. The grace that hasn't changed since I was saved what seems so long ago. It really was a wonderful meeting, leaving the taste of encouragement and good things to come of it on our tongues, I think. It's too easy to leave our salvation story behind when we look forward to the everyday dying to self and to the flesh. Sometimes I forget why I'm doing all this dying in the first place. Because it sure isn't for my own sake. I never love Him enough, but something about that Jesus and His character... Well. It just never lets me go.

Some of the people in our group tried to explain grace in some abstract, complicated way, attempting to present a fuller breadth of the vastness of the concept to the girls sitting next to me, but in a way it's a bit more simple (and I said so). I, frankly, quite forget almost everything I said, but at the time it made sense, and I got better-than-vague nods and "okay, I think I get it now"s from the girls, so I felt like maybe it wasn't all gibberish. Grace. It's what Jesus did for us. It's what God the Father gave. It's un-obtainable except through faith. It's nails and a cross and holiness all at once. It's one of the greatest things we love about God, but it shouldn't be the reason we love Him. It's what God, providing for our need for some sort of understandable element, provided for us to chew on so that we might understand what He's all about. That is - glorifying Himself, as well as, secondarily to all that is contained within His self-glorification, loving us. There was so much I wanted to say, so much depth I wanted to use to flesh out my little expose' on the concept of grace, but I ignored it. All those girls needed to know was that God is grace personified, and if all human examples fall short, that's just because there is no human example that can live up to His. That's what the hell grace is all about. That is what it's about, and don't let me forget it. I needed this all tonight. It felt like being born again, again...

...Jesus, I have missed you so.