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Sometimes

05/03/04

Sometimes

Permalink 05:05:00 pm by cassie, Categories: Announcements [A]

(How many blogs have I started with that title anyways?)

Sometimes I get so frustrated with people I have no reason to be frustrated with. I want to grab them by the ears, shake them, and tell them to wake up because they're in a slump and they only try to shove themselves further down. Why do I care? I just do. Can't help it. It's not pity, it's not... patronising. I don't know. I just do. The entire world plucks at the sinews of my heart with its claws of sadness. There's times when I have so many questions about the future, and I question the whats and the whens and the hows. I know I could live so many ways and do so many things and be what anyone would call "happy." I could learn "in whatsoever state I am in, therewith to be content." Of course. I'm happy just about wherever I am, whatever I am asked to do, and whatever happens, unless I'm suffering from the scourge of PMS or only had an hour of sleep the night before. But even then I might be happy. The question isn't so much whether I would be content and happy, but whether it's where I should be. I just know that someday, I want to help people. Of course that's corny and naive. Of course every Mother Theresa of the world wants to "help people," but I really do. I don't know how, but I want to. I really wish I could take the ills of the world and wrap them around my finger to be tied in knots and thrown away. I feel so ME, ME, ME. When I want to be you, you, you. I hate thinking about myself, and nothing makes me happier than when I can forget about how stupid and useless I can be so often and when I can instead think about what other people need.

Here's what I can say to the nameless who don't even know that my heart aches for them:

Don't sleep with her.
You don't love him.
You love her!
You love him!
Don't beat yourself up.
You're filling yourself up with useless pursuits.
You're pushing people away.
That's not what you really want.
You're wasting your time!
Go back.
Don't look back.

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I like to multi-task: wife, writer, nurse, Christian, ne'er do well. I do all with equal gusto.

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