Juxtapose

It's shocking, really, to think thatI'm leaving for Arizona this Saturday. Am I ready? Can God really use me? Sometimes (well, a lot of times..most of the time..) I feel like Sar does when she talks about witnessing to people.. Am I really worthy, do I pray enough, do I love God enough, am I sold out for Him enough to be giving the gospel ANYWHERE? It's such a nasty thought that I don't like to think about it.. but that doesn't make the thought leave. It's funny, I think about some things, you know, and I say, "Cass, you're such a hypocrite." I know I'm not really, I'm just human, but still, it bothers me. I'm not really a perfectionist but I imagine I am. I just pray I'll walk worthy of my calling.

The week after graduation (actually, the Monday after), I went to Boston. I was accompanied by my brother Andrew, who served as my bodyguard and companion on the train and the T (the subway/elevated railway - "the Transit"), and waited around for about seven hours to see the one and only James Austin from Oklahoma. It's a long story, but he was up here so that he could play with his orchestra, and the schedule he gave me only a day before leaving turned out to be a bad one. Actually, the whole schedule got all mixed up because of unforeseeable happenings once they got here, and they couldn't get permits to play in Quincy market and yadda yadda yadda, and it turned out that they didn't even play the day I was there. I looked and looked and looked, hoping to find him and get to talk (there were 300+ kids in the orchestra and choir, so it was hard to find people). So then I finally asked some guy who looked like an adult and found out that he was going to be at the top of the T station at 2:30. So we waited around there for a few minutes, and I finally saw him and got up the nerve to grab him by the shoulder and go, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" (how embarrassing, I know...). He looked at me blankly for a split second and then said, "Cassie!" And the people rejoiced, and frolicked, and smiled, and we had a nice little talk. It was beautiful. This guy and I have been so close for two years now. We've had an amazing friendship getting to know one another and witnessing each other both walking with God and the ups and downs of two years with God. it's been really cool. It was a little shocking, actually, to see him there. Like.. "What now?" I found out (since we hadn't talked for a month or so beforehand because of busyness and other things) that he's got a new car, is going to Oklahoma U this fall, and has a new girlfriend. Andy and I rode the train home in relative silence. I think I had to let things sink in.. It was a little depressing to see him and then leave, but life goes on. Nevertheless, getting to see him was the high point of my beginning of summer. It was one of those times in your life that you'll probably never forget and will probably dwell on for a long time afterwards. Blah.

It's funny that I can be all "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and be like, "Woohoo! I don't need a man at this point in my life! I'm dating God! Woo, rock on, sister!" and still be sad when I see a guy that I really truly enjoy being around and get jealous of his sweet little girlfriend. Maybe it's a lot because it hurts that I know I probably won't see him again for such a long time, but I'm having a terrible time with the whole thing. It shouldn't be that way. I have what I need. I have far more than I need in my life. Who am I to tell God that I need anything, or anyone, else?

My friend Christine has a boyfriend now. Her father is really tough on her, and basically believes that boys and girls SHOULDN'T be just friends. It's commitment, or nothing. Her father is a strict Lebanese man, who came over to the States when he was sixteen and hasn't changed since. He doesn't like any of his four girls to do any growing up or making of friends, because he pretty much believes that he holds a standard above all others. I don't agree with him, but I love his daughter nevertheless. She's a sweetie. Her boyfriend, Nick, is very sweet as well, and I have to give him kudos, because he was cool enough to brave Christine's father. He called him up and talked the whole thing over, which I thought was very manly and responsible of him. I mean, really, how much do you have to like a girl to be willing to call up her father and have him ask you "First of all, are you a virgin?" right off the bat? That's pretty brave. So I'm happy for Christine. She's got a nice guy. But then, I get mildly jealous. And it's not because I have anything for or against Nick or anything, it's just the old angry little girly side of the inside of me that's all like, "Cass, you've got to get a boyfriend, but nobody'll take you.. Nobody feels the same way about things as you do. There is no guy out there that you like that's gonna like you back, and who is going to be in line with the way you think about things." And, ya know, it really hurts, even though it shouldn't. I've done all the Josh Harris stuff. I haven't dated, I haven't gone around making out with people, I haven't "given my heart away," but I'm just lonely. I have no trouble keeping myself from coveting material possessions, but I'm having a huge problem with coveting relationships. The problem comes when I think things and don't truly take them to heart. I THINK that it's all very silly. But that doesn't make my coveting go away.

Sometimes I believe God lets this stuff happen to keep me in line. He really is so good, isn't He? Sometimes I venture a thought of where and what I would be if I wasn't saved, if I didn't have God helping me out. I don't like the picture I come up with. I think that picture is truly what keeps me going. I'm afraid of reverting back to that person that I know is within me but isn't being let out, if only by the very strength of God's grace. There are a lot of songs about God's grace flowing like a river, and sometimes I find myself treating it as if I'm only getting the dregs of God's grace.. The scrapings of the pot of God's grace and mercy. But it's not like that. The pot is overflowing. Where would I be without my God?

Maybe I'll live a few more years without a boyfriend.