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Selected Hilarious Entries From PETA's "Confessions of An Animal Guardian" Page
09/16/08
Selected Hilarious Entries From PETA's "Confessions of An Animal Guardian" Page
Wherein "animal guardians" (is this the new word for pet owners?) confess their sins and try to move on. Also of note - there is a very high ratio of pet owners of hermit crabs nicknamed "Shelly" represented on the website.
"I had two hemit crabs named Sabrina and Havey. This year I've started college. I asked my mom to look afther tghem for me while I was gone. When I came home one weekened I found my poor Sabrina dead. The power had gone out the night before and no one had cheecked to see if they were alright. Sabrina died from the cold. I am so sorry Sabrina."
"I confess, that i have not been paying much attention to my rabbit. As of right now, i am promising myself, and the life of my bunny, Storm, that i will pay more attention to him. Take him out everyday, and check everything in his cage, everyday. iloveyouu, Storm. Im sorry."
"Two years back i was forced to dissect frogs and kill a butterfly as a part of my biology project. Even though i was advocating a cruelty-free life style, i begged my professor to give me an alternative, but she refused. Unfortunately i went ahead with the project, i felt really guilty and the project was no use for me or for the biology department."
"when i was in the seventh grade, we had to take care of an animal for a week, so our teacher bought some earthworms, and a few hermit crabs and put us in groups. we had to take care of the animal for a week, and then someone from the group would get to take it home. i got to take home a hermit crab, not knowing that hermit crabs shouldnt be caged and that they dont do well in cages. i treated it so poorly. i put sand in an empty fish tank and put a bowl of food and water in it. a few days later, i realized it wasnt moving and that it had died in the middle of the night. i was so sad because i hadnt wanted to hurt it. i'll always remember shelly."
"I had a hermit crab named Shelley and I really did love her. yes, I loved a hermit crab. she'd wander around my desk and room and it was great. one day I thought it'd be cool to paint her shell with nail polish to make her look pretty. the nail polish had the strongest fumes.. she died a day or two later. this might sound silly to some but I'll never know if that's what killed her or not. that was years ago and I still wonder."
See PETA for more soul-relieving confessions.
28 comments
An actual confession of Teds....as told by his mother. Saturday, 3pm, Teds finds a woolybear caterpillar. Teds pleads with Mom to keep him as a pet. Teds reads the Golden Book of Insects and finds out what the caterpillar eats. Teds fills his "collection" jar that he made last summer in VBS with clover and aster flowers. Teds puts the caterpillar in the jar and places it in the garden, next to the house.
Sunday, 9am, Teds finds the jar half filled with rainwater.Woolybear is clinging to the highest stick in the jar, just above the surface of the water. Mom dumps out the water and woolybear is safe. Mom tells Teds to put the jar in the front hall on the windowsill to stay dry.
Monday, 8am. Woolybear is found rolled up in a ball and cooked in the collection jar from the sunlight. Teds sobs uncontrollably as mom dumps woolybear into the compost pile.
Some how I had to confess this incident. It has been on my mind since yesterday. I guess I should have taken more time to care for our woolybear while he was here with us, but I know now he's looking down on us and helping us while we try to get our schoolwork done. Next time I'll try a little bit harder. I feel better now.
Once I saw a duck. It was beautiful, so I shot it and ate it. 
Once I pulled the legs off a beetle and let it fly off. I even laughed at the thought then.I still laugh at the thought even now.
I once killed an entire family of ducks. Mama and her five babies. They were on the freeway and by the time I knew what was in front of me, I didn't have time to swerve out of the way. Thunk. Quack. Cheep, cheep. Bloody feathers floating in the air. 
Not many of you are sounding very remorseful so I'm unsure of exactly how therapeutic this exercise could be, really... 
Of course Chaz is remorseful. He has that duck's wing on a plaque on his wall to this day. I also understand that the title "pet" is somehow offensive these days, the term "animal companion" being preferred by the more enlightened amongst us. Please adjust your vocabulary. 
My Mother ran over a cow because she thought it was a Gateway box in the middle of the road. 
Hermit Crabs. We had some as well--but they died. We think it might have been from feeding them my Dad's home made muffins. I don't think we knew they were dead for like three days.I don't even remember their names.
And I once tried to kill a hamster because he was evil and I wanted him to die. So I put some window cleaner in his water. He lived despite my attempt to murder his little self. Is that not evil?
Wow, Jen! I don't know whether I want to say that is probably a true story or not! Ha! Oh, it's true. Very true. It was MY hamster, in fact. And he died a week later anyway. Poor Mork. Bryan, are you suggesting something about your Dad's muffins?Do you feel guilty about not remembering their names?
Jen and Chera, I just don't know what to say...ummm... Maybe you should have tried Clorox. It might have worked faster.
Jen, next time you encounter an evil hamster (or gerbil or whatever) inject him with a few cc's of acetone, in the side, just behind the last rib. Way more a sure thing than windex . You can get acetone at you local ACE hardware, in the paint department. ACE is the place with the helpful hardware man.... Hey Mr A!!! Post using your own computer. I don't condone the use of acetone.Signed,
Mrs. A
Dad just ordered me a squirrel mounting kit!Hooray for taxidermy!
About 13 years ago, I once ate an ant-covered piece of popcorn (true story). It was like chocolate covered popcorn, except with ants. It must have given me good vitamins. This incident has been on my mind for 13 years now. I confess... yum. Sorry, I forgot I was posting from the Mrs. A computer. But take it from me. The acetone is the way to go, the choice of small mammal-dispatching pros everywhere. Besides the injecting part ought to be second nature to all of the nursing types that seem to congregate around here. It's probably not very hard. I am sure at least one of us could figure out how to do it. 
this one time we killed animals on the farm for food.oh wait that was a lot of time.
cows, pigs, turkeys, chickens, cute little piggies........
...somehow, I don't think this is the time to mention that I'm a member of PETA. ;)
Hmmm, and I suppose that you make all of your ice cream using human milk? See here:http://www.wnbc.com/news/17539627/detail.html
Sorry, you've been duped...
I heard about that; I think that's gross. :P are they paid per hour? per ounce? eeeesh.I don't agree with every single thing that PETA does; but I do deeply appreciate quite a bit of what they do.
Just to set the record straight: My homemade muffins were never positively implicated in the death of those hermit crabs. The circumstantial evidence would never hold up in a court of law. And frankly I'm suprised that Tessa, a friend to muffins everywhere, has not uttered a word of protest at the suggestion.
Well, DID Tessa ever TASTE any of your homemade muffins? She may be silent for a reason :)I think I've also eaten some ant covered food things also, Emily. I just don't think I ever realized that I did. We need an exterminator. :P
The problem with PETA:?A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.?
? Ingrid Newkirk, President, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)
That pretty much says it all. (Above quote given as a reply to a question about the ethics of medical testing on rats.)
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