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Life and Death

01/16/08

Life and Death

Permalink 02:53:00 pm by cassie, Categories: Announcements [A]

All I do all day these days is talk to people about life and death, life and death. I'm always trying to keep these people alive who are clutching onto these little strings of life after years of smoking, lung removals, lobectomies, valve replacements, knee replacements, people on this life-sustaining drug or that, people who are on medications and regimens and with so many extra sterile medical implements holding their body together that if it were me..? If it were me, I'd probably be living with a cloud over my head reminding me that with all these twenty crucial things working in concert to keep my ticker tocking, there must be a moment when one of them malfunctions. The things people live with. Really. Terrifying.

Anyways. My Mom called just now and told me that my little old ladyfriend, Mrs. A, passed away on Sunday. At first, I thought I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't upset, but I just hung up and I know that I was. I don't know why, really. She was old. Old and sick and weak and tired. Her obituary said that donations in her name, in lieu of flowers, could be made to the hospice care place she was in for the last few weeks, or to the relig/cult she was in. Life is sad sometimes.

And I know that people think I'm so caring and so great and I'm great with people but I have to say that, right now, I'm embarrassed of myself. I forget to call people (my friends) all the time. I forget to call them back when they call me and I forget to email them and I forget to make plans to see them. I don't forget THEM, but I forget to stay in touch. That's not the worst of it. But this last week, since I got back from VA, I kept thinking how I needed to go visit Mrs. A and I just never remembered to make the time. And now she's gone and I feel like The Suck. It feels like the story of my life and the story of the way I treat my friendships with all of these precious people who love me for who-knows-why.

I really hate me. I hate my insides where nobody can see. I wonder, really, why anyone bothers to love me because I really don't know why anyone would go out on such a limb. Sometimes, caring means more than just words. Right now I just want Mark to be home to remind me that, knowing my good and bad as he does, I can be loved despite all these flaws that make me feel like such a sham sometimes.

3 comments

Comment from: Christina [Visitor] Email
ChristinaWow, Cassie. I don't know what to say but what you said is what I was saying to myself the other day.

"It feels like the story of my life and the story of the way I treat my friendships with all of these precious people who love me for who-knows-why."

I've lost most of my closest friends by just being a lousy friend who thinks about them but doesn't do enough to show them that I care, like write and stay in touch...I sometimes get scared that I'll lose the ones I have now the same way.

"I really hate me. I hate my insides where nobody can see. I wonder, really, why anyone bothers to love me..."

That is exactly what I said to myself. People have said so many nice things about me, they think I'm such a great person, but I'm so ashamed that I'm not what they think I am, that I'm really selfish and I'm always thinking about myself. They think I care but I just care about me and my life.

I realize this is not very encouraging. I just wanted to say I love you for being honest, and just being yourself, Cassie. And I'm so sorry about your friend.

Chris
01/17/08 @ 07:59
Comment from: Heidi [Visitor] Email
Heidiwe all loves you
and uh someone people wont just let you not keep in touch. hee
01/17/08 @ 19:50
Comment from: sj [Visitor] Email
sjAw, I'm sorry about Mrs. A., Cass. And I'm sorry you feel crappy about yourself, but just know that we all do dumb things sometimes. I know that doesn't help much, because whenever people say that to me, I think "yeah, but I do the DUMBEST of the dumb." So I know what you mean, but I love you... mostly because you are so real and you're not afraid to admit these parts of yourself. That's why we can be such good friends. For what it's worth, I know that you love me despite MY dumbness, and I want you to know that I love YOU despite any crappyness you feel you possess (though I wouldn't agree that you have much).

I love you, Friend.
01/17/08 @ 20:31
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I like to multi-task: wife, writer, nurse, Christian, ne'er do well. I do all with equal gusto.

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