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Before going on, I just had to give it up for Cordahlia, for his picture of me in the John Deere Pinto. My dad thought it was funny, anyways. :P
ANYWAYS. For this one class in school, Theology of Prayer (err.. Doctrine of Prayer..? I don't remember which it is..), we're having to keep a prayer journal as one of the projects. It's nice and all, but I haven't really gotten into it. I love to write, but it's not really my thing to force myself to write regularly - I'm more of a go-with-the-flow-er, sporadically writing down quasi-profundities when they come to mind and when I'm not too overly lazy to write them down. However, I just looked back to this entry from March 27, and I thought I'd write it out. It should have gone in here first, anyways, because it's not really my typical prayer journal entry, but, rightfully, it's my typical blog entry.
March 27, 2003
"It has not been an easy day. The burdens seem to come in waves that completely overwhelm me. I can't even speak my burdens to anyone. They aren't normal problems, so I feel so awkward about them. Nobody seems to understand, really. God is such a solace to me. How does He know the words I'll say before I voice my troubles to Him? I believe that most prayer is somewhat of an aligning of our desires, wills, and thoughts with God's, and today I feel that that is exactly so. To confess means to agree, in the Greek. "I agree, Lord, that I have sinned," is the idea. Anyways, whatever it is, it's beautiful. People think that God is confusing, and maybe He is to them, in a lot of ways. To me, though, He is the most simple, basic, and foundational Quietness. My prayers are earnest and, to some extent, quite desperate, but underlying, beneath my pleas, is the sense that God knows the answers and I'm just waiting to align my questions properly next to His answers. That's such an amazing feeling, to think that He knows where I will be in five years - it's amazing! Maybe I have a simplistic mind (okay, I do, I do! I admit!), but I think that is so profound. He knows me. He knows my needs better than I do.
Tonight, I got my Yiayia ready for bed as usual... meds, eyedrops, help her change her diaper, get her into her pajamas, tuck her into bed, and give her a kiss goodnight. "I love you Yia!" Then I started crying. That's not usual for me. How to understand that God controls these things? In my mind I say that He has given her to my family and to me so that I can be prepared now for future ministry, but in my heart, I hardly feel worthy to justify things like that. I know these things by rote memory (oida), but I do not know them by experience (ginosko). My heart felt broken in so many small parts, and yet my stay is the Christ, the Moschiach, Messiah, through whom I am able to pray to the Father. I am able to bring my petitions and my praise and my friendship to God, and, when I stop to think of it, my mouth just kinda curls up in a grin. And then I'm just happy that He lets me speak to Him in the first place."
If you can't tell, I'm very thankful that He listens. Where would we be without Him, my dearies? And that's all for tonight. More after midterms and midterm papers at the end of this week.