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After much hoo-ha...

03/01/07

After much hoo-ha...

Permalink 09:52:00 am by cassie, Categories: Announcements [A]

..I have finally gotten placement for my capstone internship.. in the second half of the semester. :D I will be missing the entirety of spring break, but at least I'll graduate. :D

The place seems fun, different, very community-oriented. I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing there, but it looks challenging enough. I'm terrified and nervous and have no idea what is going on besides where to park, get my ticket validated, and when to show up, but I know I'll be wearing scrubs and that's what counts.

Life is very different these days. I enjoy being in my own house, making my own food, washing my own dishes and sweeping my own floors. I still hate vacuuming, but I guess that just means I'll have to only live in places with hardwood, linoleum, or tile, although, as Sar knows, I've always been partial to linoleum anyways.

So the place where I'm interning (and if you would, pray that maybe someday after it's done I might be given the opportunity to work there) is a community school-based clinic mostly working with immigrants and the poorer side of the city. It's funny how after all these years, some of those silly insecurities come out just because of the setting. For a moment, walking into the school, I felt a little bit like I was in highschool again, and instead of wearing heels, dress pants, and a blouse under a long wool peacoat, I was in baggy jeans and a black tee shirt, my face all broken out and bearing that look of confusion and nerdiness that can be smelled out by the cool people and that can't be hidden except by the steeliest of willpowers. I suddenly felt like all the confidence that I have built up over the years was all stripped away, a sham, reminding me that the "fake it till you make it" still means that you're faking. And it does help, that faking it - to be the expert, as Mum has reminded me many times when I've had trouble being in a teaching role, sometimes you just have to play the part and take heart in the fact that though you might not know everything, you know more than the people you may be teaching. So I've faked a little (make that a lot) over the years in my quest to not necessarily bury my nerdiness, but to make my nerdiness a little more comfortable in a social setting, and it really has worked. I feel confident in a lot of ways; my makeup largely stays in its bottles these days, I start my own conversations, and I can smile at people on the street. God is gracious to me, and I hope I can show it now.

But at the highschool, it felt strange, like I hadn't grown up all this time. I wondered if anyone would mistake me for a student. And then, it all of a sudden became comfortable with the realization... I have five or six years on these people! I'm a professional! I'm an adult! I pay rent! I cook casseroles and fold bathroom towels! I run to WalMart to buy toilet paper! I am wearing heels and a peacoat!!!!!

I guess I've been an adult a long time now, really, just in stealth mode. I know I have, actually. But today, clopping along the cobblestones clutching my folder and my jacket to me against the cold wind, I felt it. I imagined my husband at work, all day, doing a job that I'm sure he never would have wished upon himself, but doing it nonetheless just so that I have a chance to finish up at school. I thought of how thankful I am to have our own apartment and be able to pay for food and heat and even the occasional Taco Bell lunch date on the weekends when we're together. I thought of how it's only a few more weeks of school for me until I have a choice as to whether or not I ever want to return to it. I thought of how, inside my wallet, I have a card with some numbers and the seal of Massachusetts on it that says my name and, beneath it, "Registered Nurse." This was all a nice reminder, straight from God.

God brings us so far. God has brought me so far. He carries me like the child that I am, dragging my feet and sometimes in a tantrum, up and over and around any hills and valleys. I have sometimes wondered what curse this is that I have been given, this sadness that sometimes doesn't leave, the unexplainable and particular ache that prods me towards the contemplation of my uselessness and inferiority in the light of God's greatness, but sometimes I have another feeling that perhaps it is no curse. Perhaps it is simply a peculiar way of God's grace, letting me know, sometimes painfully, that thing we love to repeat: that He never leaves me or forsakes me.

Thank you, Lord, for the confidence I have in you.

4 comments

Comment from: ~`Stine [Visitor]
~`StineYeah, that sudden realization that you're all growed up is an interesting experience. Needless to say, I've been putting it off. :) Beautiful writing as always, Kookla.
03/01/07 @ 13:14
Comment from: chera [Visitor]
cheraBeing an adult is highly over rated. It doesn't really feel any different. Personally, I think we are all little kids, walking around in grown-up bodies, and pretending like we actually know what we are doing. But deep down inside, we are all just as scared and clueless as the next person.
03/01/07 @ 13:15
Comment from: Cassie [Visitor]
CassieYou ain't kidding, Chera. :) Hehe. I know, Stine. That's why we love you. or part of the reason. Or part of a part of many many reasons, actually.
03/01/07 @ 13:24
Comment from: Crystal [Visitor]
CrystalThe older I get, the truer Chera's statement becomes. That indeed is no lie.
03/01/07 @ 16:58
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I like to multi-task: wife, writer, nurse, Christian, ne'er do well. I do all with equal gusto.

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