Juxtapose

Reading through my favorite book of the Bible this morning, Hosea, I came across words in the margin that I probably wrote ten years ago; "God fulfills the promises we make but can't keep."

I thought of Hosea and his sad but beautiful story where he marries a wife he knows will leave him for some lesser man, some lover who would be so disgusting that he would take another man's wife, someone's mother, into his own bed. But God gives the prompts, and Hosea goes back over and over again, buying her back with whatever he had, persuading her with love and promises that he did keep himself. God talks to Israel in this book using Hosea as His example, and He says, someday, Gomer-Israel, I will call you back and you will take it seriously. Someday, you will stop calling me "Master" as if I own you, but you'll call me "Husband" because I love you.

Then I thought of Gomer and how, I don't know. Maybe she was what we think of as this trampy woman, selling herself to men for whatever she could gain.. But maybe she was just a very lost woman, who looked a lot like me, never fully committing, always being drawn away by something that looked more desirable than a steady loving Husband.

I can't even think, can't fathom the possibility of leaving the comfort of my husband here, my best friend, my first love, for anyone else. To me, there is nobody better equipped to love me and care for me, and nobody I enjoy caring for and loving more than this Mark. I see him, I know him, we are one person yet distinctly separate.

...And yet to my God, who comforts perfectly, who desires my faith purely, who pursues me with blessings and love even when I am least faithful myself, I find myself always walking astray. And He finds me again, and again. He takes me to the wilderness, speaks quietly to me, and tells me, one more time, and one more time, and one more time, that I am His, and even should I ignore that fact, He will never even look, never think a thought about another besides me. Faithfulness. That's who my God is. He makes good of my marriage vows to Him even when I do not keep them myself.

Had a rough four hours yesterday at work trying to subdue a poorly detoxing alcoholic heroin addict with a seizure disorder on top of it all. After several bouts with hospital security and belligerence and threats of volence towards the nurses (AKA - "bitches and whores," you know), we finally got him quieted down right at the end of my shift by popping him on a sedation drip and letting him sleep off some of his troubles.

After four hours of dealing with this and running up and down the halls every time his bed alarm went off when he tried to stand up on his wobbly legs to smoke his imaginary cigarette, I popped in to see him one more time and he was a little bit awake. He looked up at me and smiled with this pure sunshine beaming from him and said, in reverent tones, "Oh, Pam!!! You are lookin' GOOD, baby... You lost a LOT of weight!!!"

Oh, really?, I say, and guffaw out loud despite myself.

"Oh, yeeeeah! A LOT of weight!! Oh, baby, princess, you are so good to me... you're looking INCREDIBLE!!"

At this point he takes my hand and calls me a series of endearments - angel, baby, princess, honey, etcetera, and reiterates how good I am to him, I just take such good care of him and boy, I am looking good what with losing all that weight. All this as I stand there in my size Mens Medium Unisex Hospital Scrub top as a canopy over my seven-month pregnant belly.

I have to say, it was kinda flattering, but, oh... Poor Pam. That must be one large woman.

Best thing, so far, about new appliances being delivered today???

PEELING OFF ALL THE MILLIONS OF STICKERS AND PROTECTIVE FILMS.

If you think I'm kidding about this then you really don't know me very well at all.

Yesterday I woke up to a new morning and a new house and a new, sunny spring-like day where I didn't wear a coat once for the entirety of it. And silence. No seventeen cars a second rushing past my bay window. No dogs barking. No 4AM sirens. Just silence. And then a woodpecker, right outside my bedroom window. I like this place.

Packing all day. Feet hurt. Arms hurt. Stretch mark on left side suspiciously longer than yesterday, I believe. Head hurts. Dust is invading my head.

Sat down on the floor, the only place to sit, to eat supper, which was a Whopper... it looked large initially but somehow I fit it in my stomach. Somehow I thought sitting in one place would feel relaxing. It didn't. My butt even hurts. Now that's talent right there.

Tomorrow morning, I'm buying a house. I'm overwhelmed and happy and excited and feeling somewhat old. Am I old yet? Probably not, judging by the alarming number of times my patients ask me things like, "When do you graduate highschool, honey?" and "So, little girl, when do you become a real nurse?" Like I'm a candy striper or something. That is, a sixteen year old, married, pregnant-bellied candy striper who is regulating their epidural and changing the dressings on their big ugly incisions. Makes me laff. So maybe I'm not such an old fart, yet. It just feels like a big thing. Doesn't feel that scary that I'm having a kid, you know, the responsibility and all that stuff... seems reasonable, somehow. But the house thing, that's freaky. Heidi put it best when she reassuringly noted, "Owning is awesome! It's just like renting, only it costs much, much more money!!" Good times, good times.

So that's tomorrow. Today, I'm cooking a special batch of delicious, slow-cooked meat sauce for pasta to be eaten in the company of our friends Nick and Christine, and we will be enjoying the evening with the events of tomorrow set to the back of our heads for a few. Tonight, we're calling it a weekend early.

Happy weekend, everyone!

...growing up:

Twinkie
Cassie
Cass
Scooter
Vern

...in the past three months:

Egg/Eggy
Humpty Dumpty
Dr. Robotnik

I'm glad I have resources like the internet to help me get informed about life. My personal favorite is the airhorn.

"It's been a long wintah...."

Cleaning house inside. Lots of snow outside.

Oh, New England.